13
Jul
09

My wife works for a professional out placement company. Now for those of you that don’t know or are not familiar with that industry, let me explain.
When a company downsizes, RIF, lays off or any other term for “YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB.’ they can pay a fee for you to go to this kind of company to learn how to get another job.

So as you learn the techniques of  “job searching” all of the Human Resource verbiage can really get confusing. I have tried to reduce the confusion by translating some popular phrases.  I hope this helps.

When they say:
“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
What they mean is:
We remain competitive by competing with you during your salary negotiation

When they say:
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
What they mean is:
We have no time to train you.

When they say:
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
What they mean is:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“When they say:
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
What they mean is:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

When they say:
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
What they mean is:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

When they say:
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
What they mean is:
Anyone in the building can boss you around.

When they say:
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
What they mean is:
We have no quality control.

When they say:
“CAREER-MINDED”
What they mean is:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

When they say:
“APPLY IN PERSON”
What they mean is:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

When they say:
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
What they mean is:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

When they say:
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
What they mean is:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

When they say:
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
What they mean is:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

When they say:
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
What they mean is:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

When they say:
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”

What they mean is;
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Translating Employee’s Lingo . . .
When you say:
“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION”
What you mean is:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

When you say:
“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE”
What you mean is:
I almost never come in late or leave early and steal only pens.

When you say:
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES”
What you mean is:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

When you say:
“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK”
What you mean is:
I blame others for my mistakes.

When you say:
“I’M PERSONABLE”
What you mean is:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

When you say:
“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL”
What you mean is:
I carry a PDA and can work most apps..

When you say:
“I AM ADAPTABLE”
What you mean is:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

When you say:
“I AM ON THE GO”
What you mean is:
I’m never at my desk.

When you say:
“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED”
What you mean is:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here.

PLEASE ADD MORE IN YOUR COMMENTS…Thanks

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